


Improper Use of Hospital Equipment

by YamatoMyTomato (KinoKahn)



Series: Kakashi & Yamato's Terrible Adventures in Terrible Sex [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Feelings, Hospital Sex, KakaYama - Freeform, Kakashi just has a morbid sense of humor, M/M, No Sakuras were harmed in the writing of this fic, jokes about cancer, nobody actually has cancer, roleplay sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-19 20:33:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3623346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KinoKahn/pseuds/YamatoMyTomato
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yamato finds Kakashi in the hospital after a near-fatal mission.  Sex and shenanigans ensue, along with significant property damage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Improper Use of Hospital Equipment

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FriendshipCastle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FriendshipCastle/gifts).



> Finally this fic series is about terrible roleplay sex again.

Sakura had gone to the trouble of searching him out to tell him Kakashi had returned. “In one piece?” Yamato had asked. “In one piece,” Sakura had confirmed. Her hair was mussed up and still had sticky blood in it. Yamato breathed a small sigh of relief, but then Sakura asked him to come with her to visit him and the rest of the team.

Yamato politely declined.

She blinked in confusion, then excused herself to go find Sai.

 

Scaling the side of the hospital after dark, after visiting hours, Yamato knew exactly why he had refused to accompany Sakura. He was ANBU. He was supposed to have complete control over his emotions. Really, he wasn’t even supposed to have emotions at all anymore. But, if he were to see Kakashi lying in that hospital bed, barely conscious, probably beat to shit, Yamato would have bitten his lip. He would have shown emotions in front of nurses and maybe even fellow ANBU guards. Kakashi was always so good at pulling his feelings to the surface. That’s probably why Yamato was in love with him.

 

Yamato slipped into a window carelessly left open at the end of the third floor hallway. It was dark, and the medical ninjas were clustered around their stations, reading newspapers and checking paperwork. Yamato pulled his ANBU mask off his belt and clipped it into the metal frame he wore around his face. ANBU had free license to be anywhere in Konoha without question. Walking around the hospital after hours wouldn’t seem out of place enough to cause concern.

Sakura had mentioned that Kakashi was already out of the intensive care unit, so he was most likely in the recovery unit on the third floor. Yamato pondered going to the medic station and demanding to know what room Kakashi Hatake was in, but that would draw much more attention than necessary. Instead, he casually walked down the hall, checking the names on the clipboards attached to each door.

Room 304, Hatake K.

Yamato took a deep breath as his hand gripped the door handle. Kakashi was alive. In one piece. Sakura hadn’t sounded frantic. Kakashi had gotten out of that damned near impossible mission a bit worse for wear, but intact. That was what mattered.

 

Yamato was flooded with relief when he saw Kakashi sitting up in bed, reading a book by the moonlight.

He had dark circles under his eyes, Yamato noticed when Kakashi turned to face him.

“Hey, Tenzō,” he said softly.

“Hey.” Yamato shut the door behind himself and pulled off his mask.

Kakashi’s tired eyes still had that playful light to them. “Didn’t see you with the welcoming committee earlier.”

Yamato leaned back against the door and looked out the window, past Kakashi. “Busy.”

“Liar.” Kakashi patted the bed next to him, and Yamato immediately came to his side.

“Worried you were going to turn into a sobbing mess at the sight of me in the hospital?” Kakashi asked. Yamato sat down next to him on the bed, their thighs pressed together with the thin cotton sheet between them.

“No,” Yamato answered honestly, “But I wasn’t sure I wanted the first time I saw you in over two months to be in the presence of others.”

“Ah. So you were hoping to debauch me? Jump my bones the second you saw me?”

Yamato gagged. “No!”

Kakashi shifted to rest his head against Yamato’s shoulder. “That’s a shame. It’s been two months since we last fucked. A record for us.”

“Two months since we last saw each other, even.”

“A long mission.”

“I had three missions while you were gone. All of them with Naruto. I’m tired too.”

“At least I had Sakura on my team. If I’d had Naruto the mission would have taken three times as long.”

Yamato nodded and tangled his fingers with Kakashi’s.

“So, you wanna fuck?” Kakashi asked nonchalantly.

Yamato pulled away to stare at him. Kakashi was pouting, Yamato could tell even with that mask covering the lower half of his face.

“We’re in the hospital! You’re injured! What are you even suggesting—”

“Injured is a pretty severe word. Mostly just chakra exhaustion and a twisted ankle.”

“You twisted your ankle?”

Kakashi gingerly pulled his right leg out from under the sheets. It was covered in a white plaster cast halfway up his shin. Sai had drawn lovely monsters on it, and Naruto had scribbled… something. Sakura had signed her name very neatly, along with a “get well soon!” and a few flowers.

“That’s not twisted.”

“Eh, close enough,” Kakashi said as he pulled his leg back under the sheets.

“Why are they keeping you?”

Kakashi looked out the window. “They think I live alone, and don’t want me to be without some sort of babysitter while I’ve got this severe of chakra exhaustion.”

“How severe is your exhaustion?” Yamato asked. He schooled his face’s expression away from worry and towards something he hoped looked stern.

Kakashi shrugged and didn’t say anymore.

Yamato folded his arms and looked at the blank wall across from them. “Well, I’m definitely not having hospital sex with someone suffering from life-threatening levels of chakra exhaustion.”

Kakashi knocked into his shoulder. “That’s rude, I’m an invalid right now. And invalids deserve sex, right? Besides, it’s not like I usually use my chakra when you’ve got your cock up my ass.”

Yamato scoffed at the word “usually.”

“Can we make out at least?” Kakashi asked. He shifted so he was lying down without waiting for an answer, hair a dirty sweaty mess against the white hospital pillow. Yamato smiled down at him.

“Who am I to refuse an injured ninja?” Yamato replied as he reached a hand out to slide Kakashi’s mask down.

Kakashi definitely hadn’t bathed in the two months he was gone, and probably hadn’t brushed his teeth more than two dozen times. As Yamato gently settled his weight on top of Kakashi, careful to avoid his injured ankle, Yamato realized he didn’t really mind.

 

“Wait,” Kakashi said as he pulled his mouth away and pushed at Yamato’s shoulder. Yamato froze with one hand caressing Kakashi’s bare cheek and the other gripping his hip through the sheets.

“I don’t hear anything.”

“Neither do I,” Kakashi said, his grin something bordering on feral.

Yamato tried to sit up but Kakashi wrapped his arms around him and pressed his thighs against Yamato’s hips.

“Kakashi, we are not going to have hospital sex!” Yamato hissed.

“Don’t say such mean things to me!” Kakashi whined. Then he shifted so his mouth was just barely grazing Yamato’s ear. “Besides, it’s been so long since I’ve had something up my ass other than my own fingers.”

“Kakashi!”

“Don’t act like you didn’t get off while I was gone.”

Yamato clenched his jaw, so Kakashi continued whispering in his ear. “Did you think of me, at least? I know I thought of you. Wished it was your fingers in me. Even cried out your name once or twice.”

Yamato growled into Kakashi’s neck, “You’re being unfair.”

“Am I? I feel like you’re being unfair to me. It’s been so long…”

“I know exactly what you’re trying to do.”

“So long…” Kakashi moaned into his ear. He started kissing Yamato’s neck and buried his fingers in Yamato’s hair, tugging lightly.

Yamato pulled away, and Kakashi relinquished his grip on him.

“Fine,” Yamato said. He could feel his face heat up.

“Fine?”

“Fine. We can have hospital sex.”

Kakashi’s eyes lit up. “Really?”

“Yes.”

Kakashi took a deep breath. “I’ve got an idea.”

Yamato shifted so he was sitting and covered his face with his hands. “No Kakashi, no, please.”

Kakashi sat up as well and moved to press his forehead against Yamato’s. The metal frame Yamato wore around his face dug into his skin. Kakashi could only see the wrinkles of Yamato’s finger joints because Yamato refused to move his hands. “Just hear me out.”

Yamato sighed.

“I’m the beautiful young cancer patient who just wants to have sex once before I die.”

“Are you kidding me? Kakashi, this is terrible.” He still didn’t move his hands, so his voice was quiet and muffled.

“You’re my sexy oncologist. You’ve been trying for years to save my life, and now we’ve finally accepted the fact that I’m going to die.”

Yamato made groaning noises while Kakashi gestured at the stack of books next to his bed.

“I’ve even got the book right here so we can have accurate lines.”

Yamato made more groans.

“They make passionate love, gazing into each other’s eyes as they stare death in the face.”

Yamato peeked out from behind his fingers. “Face to face?”

Kakashi pulled away just enough that Yamato could see him nod.

“So. Missionary?” Yamato asked.

Kakashi nodded again and grinned. “Thought you’d be interested.”

Yamato shifted so his fingers covered his face again. “No.”

“Why not?” Kakashi asked.

“We’re in a hospital.”

“People have definitely had sex in this hospital before.”

“Someone might come in.”

“Are you kidding? I’m in here for chakra exhaustion. They want me to have uninterrupted rest.”

“You’ve got chakra exhaustion and need uninterrupted rest.”

“Okay you’re not even trying anymore,” Kakashi said as he gently pulled Yamato’s hands away from his face.

“I’m going to be in here for another week, at the least,” Kakashi said quietly, “And we have no clue when they might send you on another mission.”

Kakashi gently kissed Yamato’s lips, pulling away before Yamato could respond.

“Please?” he asked.

Yamato groaned.

Kakashi sighed. “Are you being difficult because you don’t actually want to do it or because you like it when I convince you?”

“The convincing thing,” Yamato said with a sigh.

“So… Yes?” Kakashi asked.

“Yes! I want to have weird hospital sex with you.”

Kakashi grinned and kissed Yamato hard.

“We need supplies,” he said as he pulled away. Yamato nodded again.

“I don’t have any lube on me,” Yamato said, “and I’m guessing you used up all the stuff you brought on your mission.”

“You got me there. So we need lube.”

“I can go home and—”

Kakashi shook his head vigorously, his hair flopping from side to side. “We’re in a hospital! There’s bound to be lube around here somewhere. Probably the good shit, too.”

“Why on earth would a hospital have lube?”

“Because sometimes they do procedures that involve sticking stuff up people’s butts. And in the vaginas of vagina-having ninjas.”

“Alright, I’ll go find lube.”

“And a doctor’s coat. That part is very important to me.”

Yamato sighed. “Fine, doctor’s coat. Anything else?”

“Well there’s this part in the sequel book where they use IV lines for bondage—”

“No,” Yamato said flatly as he quickly left the room.

 

“Stupid sexy Kakashi,” Yamato muttered to himself as he finished ransacking the gynecology offices’ supply closet. The pockets of his stolen lab coat filled with filched bottles of high-grade lubricant, and he was in the process of carefully putting everything back where it belonged when he heard footsteps behind him.

Yamato stretched out to his full height and tried to look doctor-ly to whoever was approaching from behind. That damned ANBU mask was sitting on the nightstand of Kakashi’s room. Kakashi always made him so flustered.

“Yamato?”

Yamato turned around to face Sakura. She looked weary, dark bags under her eyes and hair somehow even more unkempt than it had been earlier in the day.

“What are you doing here?” they asked simultaneously.

Yamato remained silent and carefully tried to intimidate her into talking first.

“I work here, Yamato. Usually I wouldn’t work a shift right after a mission but someone called in sick, so I had to cover for them.”

Yamato nodded. “Alright then, carry on.”

“Yamato, what the hell are you doing in the gynecology supply closet?”

“I could ask you the same thing, Sakura,” Yamato said. He knew Sakura wouldn’t let him get away with that, but he hoped her confusion would buy him time to make up a good story. Or run.

“That made literally no sense. It’s after visiting hours, what are you even doing here? And why do you have on a lab coat?”

Yamato gripped the coat closer to himself, as if that could somehow force the eight bottles of lube stuffed in its pockets to disappear.

“I’m on a mission,” he blurted.

“A mission?”

“ANBU are permitted to be in any part of Konoha without question, Sakura. I don’t have to tell you.”

Sakura blinked a couple of times and frowned. “Yeah, but… you’re Yamato. You’re not like regular ANBU. Are you even still considered ANBU?”

Yamato dodged the question and continued his lie. “I’m on a top-secret mission, and I need you to forget you ever saw me here, forget what you saw me doing. Oh, and stay away from Kakashi’s room.”

Sakura’s mouth fell open for a second, and when she managed to close it again and put her hands on her hips, she said “what on earth are you to planning? This isn’t a mission.”

“Yes it is. It’s a mission,” Yamato said. He tried again. “A mission,” he said with a different inflection. “You know. A mission”

He simultaneously hoped that Sakura would catch his drift and that she wouldn’t understand at all. He felt his gut drop a few inches as realization dawned on Sakura’s face.

“Oh shit. No. Absolutely not. What the hell are you two thinking? He’s hospitalized for severe chakra exhaustion, you can’t—”

Yamato shoved his hand over Sakura’s mouth on instinct. Sakura’s eyes went wide and she pulled away, gagging.

“Your hand smells like wet dog, what have you been doing?”

Yamato knew better than to dignify that question with an answer, so he considered his options. Run away and abandon Kakashi alone in his room, probably to jerk off in frustration at some point. Hear Sakura say, out loud, that he was planning on having dirty roleplay hospital sex with Kakashi, and lose all semblance of self-respect he ever had.

“You can’t just,” Sakura started again, pausing when she saw the distraught look painted across Yamato’s face, “Yamato, you can’t just break him out of here! I know he doesn’t want to be cooped up here, but it’s for his own good! He needs somewhere free of distractions so he can rest!”

Yamato blinked a couple of times and looked up to meet Sakura’s eye.

“Yes. That’s what we were planning on doing. Breaking him out. Exactly.”

“What I can’t figure out is why you’d be in the gynecology closet—”

“I was looking for a lab coat,” Yamato lied, “and I just happened to check this closet.”

“That coat shouldn’t be in there, so I guess you were lucky. Well, I’m still not letting you take him—”

“I’ll have him back before dawn, and I’ll make sure he doesn’t get in any trouble,” Yamato said, “He just wants some fresh air and decent food.”

“Nothing’s open this time of night, and besides…”

“It’s been two months since I’ve seen him, and I want to cook him dinner!” Yamato finally spat out. Finally, something that was slightly true.

Sakura’s face softened. “That’s really sweet of you.”

Yamato nodded seriously.

“I guess…” Sakura tapped her chin and looked up at the ceiling. “I guess as long as you don’t get caught, and you don’t let him do anything strenuous… I guess I’ll let this slide. And I’ll try to make sure no one checks on him in the night. Last thing we would want is someone walking in on an empty room.”

“An empty room, yes,” Yamato agreed.

Sakura smiled and patted his shoulder as she walked past. Yamato’s legs felt very weak and it took all his strength to keep from running back to room 304, the bottles of lube clutched in his arms to keep them from rattling and falling out of his pockets.

 

“Doctor, is that you?” Kakashi asked, feigning a weak voice. He was sitting up, shirtless and maskless, with his legs dangling over the foot of the bed. A very thin sheet was stretched across his lap, but beyond that Kakashi was clearly naked. He lifted an eyebrow.

“Um,” Yamato said as he fumbled the bottles of lube and all eight of them cascaded onto the floor.

“You have quite the night planned,” Kakashi said is his normal tone, eyeing the bottles Yamato was scrambling to pick up.

“I ran into Sakura,” Yamato confessed.

“Oh. Oh shit.”

“She thinks that I’m busting you out for a moonlight date.”

“Huh.”

“She doesn’t realize that I’m gonna fuck you.”

“Well, that’s good. What’s with all the lube?”

Yamato looked down at the eight bottles in his hands. “Oh. Uh. I knew that once you realized it was good lube you’d make me go back and steal some more.”

“So you preemptively stole us some lube from the hospital?”

“Yes.”

Yamato gently sat the bottles down on the pile of clothes Kakashi had left on the floor.

Kakashi lay back on the bed with a smile. “Guess what I found?”

“Your prostate? Didn’t think you were the type to lose track of it.”

Kakashi let out a dry laugh, then knocked his cast against the fame of the bed.

“Stirrups.”

“No.”

Kakashi looked to Yamato and grinned. “Yes. And we’re using them. They’re even in the book.”

“I thought you said it was going to be missionary,” Yamato said as he chose a bottle of lube out of the pile and started to pull the metal frame off of his face.

Kakashi put his arms over his head and nodded. “It is, but I figured we could use the stirrups beforehand.”

Yamato ran a hand through his hair and looked over to Kakashi, who was wiggling around under the sheet and grinning.

“You’re having too much fun for someone who’s hospitalized.”

Kakashi laughed and gestured to the stool in the corner. “Okay, let’s do this. Doctor.”

Yamato straightened his coat and wheeled the stool over to the end of the bed.

“Don’t forget the book on the nightstand,” Kakashi murmured before Yamato had a chance to sit down.

Yamato dug through the pile of terrible romance novels and tried to guess which one they were going to have sex to. “ _Amorous Cancerous: Radiation Makes You Fall In Love and Your Hair Fall Out_?” Yamato asked.

“That’s the one! Turn to page 107.”

“How do you know these books so well?” Yamato leafed through the book until he found the right page.

“I have a good memory and obsessive personality,” Kakashi replied. Yamato nodded in agreement and sat back down on the stool.

“Alright ready?”

Yamato put the lube in the breast pocket of his jacket and continued skimming the page. “This dialogue is terrible. I think even _Plumbing for Desire_ was better.”

“Ah, good times.”

“We broke the bathroom.”

“Good. Times.”

“You’re terrible,” Yamato said as he smiled and flipped through the book.

Kakashi arched his back and said, “yeah. Yeah I am. And you’re into it.”

Yamato scoffed.

“Alright, alright. Enough fun and games. Now we have to get to the very serious business of hospital sex,” Kakashi said.

Yamato nodded and schooled his expression into something more serious.

“Doctor,” Kakashi said weakly, “Is that you?”

Yamato squinted down at the book. It was hard to read with only the moonlight to illuminate the pages.

“Uh. Yes, it is me. Your doctor. Doctor Hardwood.” Yamato stared down at the page again. “Hardwood? Seriously? I hate it when authors go for the low-hanging fruit like that.”

“That’s not your line. Say it right.”

“Yes it is me. Your doctor. Doctor Hardwood.”

“Why are you visiting me at such a late hour, doctor?”

“Because I have my concerns, dear patient of mine,” Yamato said, gagging on the last line. “Is this weird regency era doctor-patient porn? So polite for someone who’s about to stick their cock up their patient’s ass.”

“Stop judging,” Kakashi said. He was still lying back on the bed, his legs dangling off the end. “Did you figure out how the stirrups work?”

Yamato squinted down at the book again. “There’s still some more dialogue before I stick my fingers up your ass.”

“I’m so proud of you! You passed my tricky test.”

Yamato leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Kakashi’s knee, the thin warm white sheet between them.

“Line?” Kakashi said softly after a few moments.

Yamato sighed and sat back up so he could read the book.

“Because I have my concerns, dear patient of mine.”

“What concerns? Surely nothing can be worse than the cancer I’m dying from. Cancer of the tummy.” Kakashi patted his stomach for dramatic effect.

“I’m concerned that the cancer has spread to your ass.”

“Ass cancer?”

“Yes. And the prognosis is grim. But wait, isn’t the guy already dying? Who cares if the prognosis for the new ass cancer is grim? He’s dead anyways,” Yamato complained.

“You just have to kill the romance,” Kakashi groaned.

“Fine. Yes. And the prognosis is grim.”

“Well doctor, is there any way we can be sure of whether or not I have this terrible ass cancer?” Kakashi feigned a weak voice again.

“Yes,” Yamato said as he held the book aloft in an attempt to catch as much moonlight as possible, “I can perform a rectal exam, in which I gently touch the insides of your butthole with my fingers in search of any irregularities.”

Yamato stared down at the page and tried not to gag.

“Will it hurt?” Kakashi asked softly.

“Not if I’m the one doing it. I’ll be careful, dear patient, I promise not to cause you any pain… in fact, I hope to cause the opposite.”

Kakashi feigned a gasp.

“Okay, now for the stirrups,” Yamato mumbled. He set the book down on Kakashi’s lap and bent down on the stool to look at the metal underpinnings of the bed.

Indeed, there were stirrups, smooth cups of plastic connected to long rods of metal, which were connected to… Yamato couldn’t tell what.

“Hm.” Yamato sat back up and stuck his arm deep under the bed. He poked and prodded and tried to wiggle the stirrups loose.

“Need help there, doctor?” Kakashi asked helpfully. He was sitting up again, absentmindedly flipping through the book. The sheet clung to his hips, revealing a trail of white hair up to his bellybutton that left Yamato quite distracted for a few moments.

“Uh, just give me a second.” Yamato slid off the stool and sat on the floor so he could get a better look at the challenge in front of him. Kakashi’s legs dangled in the way, and he clearly didn’t feel like moving them.

Finally Yamato found a long metal rod that looked promising, so he jerked it to the side. The stirrup rapidly unfolded itself, quick enough that Yamato didn’t have time to dodge it before it slammed him in the forehead.

“That sounded like it hurt,” Kakashi said as Yamato leaned back and pressed a hand to his face. Kakashi sounded only slightly concerned, mostly bored.

“It did,” Yamato assured him, “But like you said last time, the show must go on.”

Kakashi leaned forward to look down at Yamato and grinned at him.

“One stirrup out,” Yamato mumbled. He slid to the other side of the bed to try and negotiate the next stirrup out, this time leaning back far enough to hopefully keep his forehead safe from further injury. “At least I know how to get it out now.”

Except he didn’t, so with a single sure yank Yamato ripped the stirrup off completely.

“Oh.”

“That didn’t sound good either. Need help?” Kakashi offered. However, he continued to flip through the book and made no move to assist.

“Fuck it,” Yamato muttered. He threw the broken stirrup over his shoulder so it hit the floor with a louder clunk than necessary and then jutsu’d a new stirrup out of smooth wood. He made it with a slightly larger cup than the other stirrup in order to accommodate Kakashi’s cast.

Yamato carefully sat back down on the stool and repositioned it so he was between the two now-extended stirrups. His forehead was throbbing and he was probably going to have a bruise that would be difficult to explain.

Kakashi’s feral grin was back, and he gently pressed the book into Yamato’s hand.

“Alright, doctor, ready to start again?”

Yamato flipped through the book to find where they had left off.

“I’ll be careful, dear patient, I promise not to cause you any pain… in fact, I hope to cause the opposite,” Yamato read aloud.

Kakashi lay back down on the bed and shifted until his ass was nearly hanging off the edge. He settled his hands on his thighs and gripped the sheets.

Yamato placed a hand on Kakashi’s uninjured knee. He slid his fingers down slowly, tracing the lines of Kakashi’s muscles. Kakashi gasped when Yamato reached his Achilles’ tendon, and Yamato leaned down to kiss his shin in response.

Gently, Yamato lifted Kakashi’s uninjured foot into the stirrup. He began to repeat the process with Kakashi’s other leg, until Kakashi interrupted and said “don’t bother, everything’s kinda numb from my calf down.”

Yamato pressed his forehead against Kakashi’s knee.

“How badly did you hurt your foot?”

“Badly enough that they gave me an awesome shot that made everything stop hurting.”

Yamato nodded and unceremoniously lifted Kakashi’s casted foot into the remaining stirrup.

The sheet, caught on Kakashi’s rough knees, lifted up to create a tent. Yamato peeked under it. “Good view.”

“Yeah,” Kakashi said, stretching his arms over his head, “thought you’d appreciate it.”

Yamato picked up the book again.

“Doctor, shouldn’t you be wearing gloves for this?” Kakashi said before Yamato even had a chance to find the page.

“No gloves? How did this guy get a medical degree?”

Kakashi grinned up at the ceiling and wiggled his ass. “You find that out in the sequel, after the hot IV bondage sex.”

“No.”

Kakashi frowned and stopped rocking his hips back and forth on the bed.

Yamato tracked down his line. “No, dear patient, I don’t need gloves for this procedure. Sometimes it’s better if there’s nothing between us. Better to feel you with.”

Kakashi hummed as Yamato squirted lube onto his fingers and blew hot air over his hand to make sure the lube wouldn’t be too cold. Then he started his work.

“Wow, this is really good lube, you weren’t shitting me. And did you trim your nails for me? That was thoughtful,” Kakashi asked. Yamato snorted and kissed Kakashi’s shin.

“You know I’m not into hurting you,” Yamato mumbled. Yamato’s fingers still edging into his ass, Kakashi sat up on one elbow and ran the other through Yamato’s hair. Yamato leaned into the touch.

“Doctor,” Kakashi said in a breathy voice, “You were right. This doesn’t hurt. This feels… like nothing I’ve ever felt before.”

“Just wait, it gets better.”

“Does it look like I’ve got ass cancer?” Kakashi asked.

“I won’t know until I press right… here.” Yamato cocked his finger and Kakashi groaned. Yamato looked above the sheet, preparing to admire his handiwork, but Kakashi was sitting up and glaring.

“What?” Yamato pulled his fingers out, “Did I hurt you?”

“You forgot where my prostate is.”

Yamato blinked. Oh. “Uh. Sorry. I thought I hit it?”

“You didn’t,” Kakashi said. He flopped back down on the bed. “You have to say the line when you hit it though.”

Yamato slid his fingers back in and continued stretching Kakashi’s asshole. “I didn’t forget where your prostate was,” Yamato assured him. “It’s just been a while.”

Kakashi snorted and his breathing became heavier.

“I won’t know until I press right… here,” Yamato tried again.

“Nope. Close, but no.”

“Right… here.”

“Nice try. I appreciated it, honestly, but no.”

“Did you finger yourself so much on your mission that your prostate relocated?”

“I hope not.”

Yamato sighed. “I won’t know until I press right… here,” he said half-heartedly.

Kakashi’s back arched and he let out a throaty moan.

“Yes, finally,” Yamato mumbled. Kakashi’s fingers were digging into the sheets.

“I missed your fingers in my ass,” Kakashi said. Yamato pressed again, just for good measure, before he picked up the book again.

“Doctor,” Kakashi said, “Oh doctor, that felt… wonderful.”

“That’s good to hear. It seems that you’re clear of ass cancer,” Yamato said flatly.

“Doctor,” Kakashi started again, “Oh doctor, I have something I want to tell you.”

Yamato glanced down at the book and pulled his fingers out as the scene demanded. He stood up and made his way to Kakashi’s side, resting his clean hand against Kakashi’s shoulder while he wiped the lube on his fingers off on the lab coat.

“Yes, dear patient of mine?” he asked. Kakashi’s crinkled his eyebrows into an expression of what was probably supposed to be innocence.

“I… I’ve never felt the way you make me feel,” Kakashi said softly. “And I don’t speak of simply what you did now, with your fingers. I mean, in my heart. You’ve touched my heart in ways no other person has.”

“Yes, of course,” Yamato said as he tried to divide his attention between the constipated expression on Kakashi’s face and the book in his hand, “I think I’m the only person to have performed open-heart surgery on you.”

“Oh, doctor. I’m so afraid of dying alone, dying without ever having been held by someone. Without ever having… made love.”

Yamato squinted at the book some more before saying, “Well, my patient, I can change that. If you would like.”

“Yes,” Kakashi gasped.

There was a hard rap at the door and all of Yamato’s ANBU training flew out of his head.

“Shit,” they both said in unison. Kakashi pressed down on the stirrups, re-breaking the wooden one and newly-breaking the other. Yamato scrambled to pick up all the bottles of lube and tucked himself in the narrow space between the nightstand and the wall, bottles clutched against his chest. Yamato couldn’t see Kakashi, but he assumed from the flurry of moving fabric that he was trying to get into some position that looked vaguely like resting. The book landed on the floor in front of Yamato with a loud whump, and he cautiously picked it up and slid it onto the nightstand as the door opened.

“You’re supposed to be resting,” a woman said.

“I am resting,” Kakashi whined.

“Why are your clothes on the floor?”

“I was reading.”

The woman remained silent for a few seconds, and Kakashi hummed casually. Then the door began to squeak close. “Rest. No weird stuff. I’m tired of your weird stuff.”

It wasn’t until the woman’s footsteps had long stopped echoing down the hall that Yamato unfolded himself, bottles of lube cascading onto the floor.

“I think the coast is clear,” Kakashi whispered, “now hurry and get your cock in my ass.”

Yamato groaned. “They just nearly caught us! We would have gotten in so much trouble!”

Kakashi was reclining on the bed, sheet back around his hips. “Nah, she’s cool. She’s caught me doing a lot of weird stuff and never reports it to anyone.”

“You’ve been in the hospital for less than a day, I don’t wanna know what she’s caught you doing.” Yamato rubbed his temples, careful to avoid the new welt on his forehead.

“I’ve been having fun. And I’d be having even more fun if you were fucking me right now.” Kakashi smiled up at him with a pleading look in his open eye.

Yamato sighed and fished the open bottle of lube off the floor. It had spilled a considerable amount, and Yamato made a mental note to clean it up before he left.

“Well,” Yamato said slowly. Kakashi cocked an eyebrow. “I guess we might as well.”

Kakashi raised a fist in the air for a brief second, then pulled the sheet off to reveal his unbathed dirty sweaty naked glory.

“You’re still kinda hard, that’s good,” Yamato commented casually.

“Oh you and your pillowtalk,” Kakashi said, “Remember to keep the lab coat on. But nothing else.”

 

“How sore is your other leg?” Yamato asked as he gently pushed Kakashi’s uninjured leg towards his chest. Kakashi slid a hand into the crook of his knee to hold the leg in place and shrugged.

“I told you, they numbed it up pretty good. Honestly you could probably rip it off and I would be fine. Except for the bleeding.”

Yamato glowered softly at Kakashi. “I’m not going to rip off your leg, but that doesn’t mean I’m okay with any other injuries sustained.”

“Boo, you’re no fun.”

Yamato shifted so he was hovering over Kakashi instead of just sitting between his legs.

“Plenty of fun,” Yamato muttered. He kissed Kakashi’s jaw and gently propped his injured leg up. “Pillow under your ass?”

“More cushion for the pushin,’” Kakashi replied. He handed Yamato a pillow with his free hand and rolled his hips so Yamato could slide the pillow into place. “Where’s the book?”

Yamato fought the urge to lie and say he’d thrown it out the window, but Kakashi would probably make him go and dig it out of the bushes buck-naked. So instead, Yamato stretched to pull it off the nightstand without relinquishing his spot above Kakashi. Yamato felt his center of gravity shift, and in a second of mild panic he latched onto the top sheet. However, the top sheet simply slid off of the bed and Kakashi and did nothing to prevent Yamato’s tumble. He proceeded to slam down onto the cold hard floor.

“Shit,” Kakashi said. He sat up and looked down at Yamato, who was blinking into the tile and flexing his limbs to make sure they were all still there. “You okay down there, partner?”

The door slammed open and Yamato froze, his face still pressed against the floor and his bare ass in the air, covered only by a too-short doctor’s coat. Luckily, he had fallen onto the side away from the door.

“Uh,” Kakashi said, “I’d say I can explain but honestly I can’t.”

“Put your fucking clothes on and go to sleep. Stop slamming around. I thought you’d fallen out of bed and I was so glad I was going to have a reason to tie you down.”

“Didn’t know you were into bondage,” Kakashi said.

“You’re intolerable,” the woman said. The door slammed again and her footsteps echoed down the hall.

Yamato peeked over the bed only to have Kakashi’s hard cock obscuring his field of vision.

“Oh god, that poor woman,” Yamato said, “She did not sign up for this.”

Kakashi sat up and grinned at Yamato. “You’ll just have to be more graceful and quieter.” Then Kakashi’s face fell. “Or, do you wanna call it a night?”

Yamato hauled himself to his feet and picked up the book from the nightstand. “Are you sure this is what you want, dear patient?” Yamato read aloud.

Kakashi lay back down on the bed with a grin and pulled the knee of his uninjured leg up to his chest again. He didn’t bother propping the other leg up until Yamato had repositioned himself above Kakashi, the doctor’s coat hanging open with the fabric grazing Kakashi’s bare ribs.

Yamato stared down at the book in his hand for a second, then gently wedged it open under Kakashi’s shoulder.

“Yes, doctor,” Kakashi breathed once Yamato was completely situated, “I want this more than anything, even more than to live.”

Yamato squinted at the book and tried to make out his line.

“Well then, dear patient, I will give you every inch of Hardwood there is,” Yamato blinked a couple times, “This book is so terrible.”

“No it’s wonderful,” Kakashi said as he shifted to kiss the crown of Yamato’s head, “it’s beautiful and great and you should put your cock in me already please?”

“Uh. Not to delay any more. But could I maybe pull a sheet up over us?” Yamato said before ducking his head to leave wet kisses along Kakashi’s chest. 

Kakashi threw his head back and laughed loudly. “You have the most vanilla kinks. Missionary sex under the covers. Yes, get a sheet.”

Yamato fought with the sheet that he had yanked off the bed and pulled it over them as best he could without disrupting their positions. With his free hand, Kakashi pressed the bottle of lube into Yamato’s palm.

“Let’s do this,” Kakashi breathed as Yamato accidentally squirted lube onto the mattress.

 

Yamato was groaning into Kakashi’s neck and Kakashi was sputtering lines with Yamato’s cock deep inside him. Things had been going uninterrupted for only three minutes when Kakashi’s free hand suddenly dug into Yamato’s back and he gasped.

“Right there?” Yamato asked, voice shaky.

“No, no. Fuck, ow, no pull out!” Kakashi hissed through gritted teeth. In a second, Yamato was sitting back at the end of the bed, the sheet gathered around his shoulders.

Kakashi stretched out and pressed the heel of his hand into the thigh of his injured leg. “Fuck. Ah, ow, fuck. They said they fucking numbed it. Fuck.”

The concern painted across Yamato’s face receded slightly, and he gently reached a hand out to place it over Kakashi’s. “Did you pull a muscle?”

Kakashi continued rubbing the heel of his hand into his leg. “Yeah, I think so. Shit.”

They sat in silence for a few seconds, Yamato’s hand covering Kakashi’s as he tried to rub out the ache. Finally, Kakashi pulled his hand away and rested it on the mattress between them. Yamato awkwardly crossed his arms over his chest and watched Kakashi.

“Well. I can at least give you a blow job?” Yamato offered half-heartedly. Kakashi shook his head and narrowed his eyes in thought.

“No, you’re not very good at that. Also I really want your cock in my ass right now.” He looked down at his injured leg and wiggled the toes of his other leg. Presumably, he was also wiggling his toes inside his cast.

“Doggy style?”

“Doggy style,” Yamato repeated.

“Don’t tell Pakkun we call it that. But yeah.”

Yamato sighed, so Kakashi continued, “Yeah I know you were really really excited about the missionary stuff but I think my leg might fall off if we do that.”

Yamato gently reached a hand out and patted his cast. “We can’t have that happening. I happen to quite like your legs.”

Kakashi nodded seriously. “I do too. And as much as I enjoy indulging your sad kink for missionary, I think we’d both be happier if I kept my leg.”

Yamato sighed again.

“I promise we will have so much boring missionary sex on our bed under the blankets once I’m less injured.”

Yamato held his hand out and Kakashi shook it, smearing lube all over his palm in the process. “Deal,” Yamato said.

Kakashi sat up and rolled onto all fours, carefully making sure that he kept the majority of his weight off the injured leg. Yamato gently ran his fingertips along Kakashi’s sides until they came to rest at his hips. Kakashi hummed in approval, until Yamato kissed Kakashi’s ass cheek and came away sputtering.

“Haven’t bathed in a while,” Kakashi reminded him.

“And that lube tastes terrible.” Yamato made gagging noises a few more times, then decided to soldier on without washing his mouth out.

“We should get some more of that strawberry-flavored lube,” Kakashi said once Yamato had recovered and begun kissing down his spine.

Yamato pulled away. “You were allergic to that. Severely. Your tongue swelled and your ass had a terrible rash.”

“It hurt to shit for days,” Kakashi said nostalgically as Yamato slid his fingers back in his ass to make sure he was still loose enough, “And I hadn’t dealt with a problem like that since I was fourteen and sticking whatever branch I found in the woods up my ass.”

“You’re terrible,” Yamato said softly. He kissed Kakashi’s bony hip.

“Don’t act like you never stuck strange shit up your ass.”

“Actually, no.”

“Well,” Kakashi said after a moment of silence, “that sounds like an adventure we need to have.”

Yamato’s fingers stilled.

“Well. Let me think about it,” Yamato said as he slowly pulled his fingers out. Kakashi sat up on his knees and leaned back until he was close enough to kiss Yamato.

“Don’t worry, we’ll be careful. If you want to try it,” Kakashi said, and then he kissed Yamato.

Once he’d pulled away and settled back down on his hands and knees, Kakashi said, “Alright, now shove it in. Hard.”

Yamato didn’t shove it in hard though. He never did. Instead he went slowly and kissed every inch of bare un-lubed skin he could find, kissing Kakashi’s ribs in time with his deep breaths.

 

As they lay side-by-side in the tiny bed, shoulders pressed together, breathing deep, covered in cum and lube, Kakashi said, “You know, I once banged a dude who hated cuddling.”

Yamato rolled onto his side and propped himself up on his arm. “How can you hate cuddling?”

Kakashi shrugged. “I donno. It was a huge turn-off for him. No touching beyond what was necessary, no kisses. He left pretty much as soon as he finished cumming in my ass.”

“Who was he? Can I ask?”

“Never got his name. He died like two missions later anyways.”

Yamato didn’t say anything, and Kakashi was silent for a few seconds.

“And then I banged a chick who wanted me to be completely silent. She was bouncing on my cock and I wasn’t allowed to make a sound. That was weird. Good, but weird.” Kakashi finally said, “She eventually put a gag over my mouth because I like talking during sex too much.”

Yamato shifted so he was lying next to Kakashi again, shoulder to shoulder. “One time I banged a guy who wanted me to pretend he was a plumber.”

Yamato’s hand found Kakashi’s and he tangled their fingers together while Kakashi snorted. “Sounds like that guy has problems.”

“Nothing I don’t mind,” Yamato muttered.

They were silent again until Yamato said, “You’re the only person I’ve ever slept with.”

“Yeah, I know. I could tell. You were pretty bad our first time. Not the worst I’ve ever had, but up there. Shame I’m the only experience you’ve ever had. I mean yeah, I’m a sex god, but variety is probably beneficial.”

Yamato bumped his shoulder into Kakashi’s. “I don’t mind. I’d like it if we kept this up for the rest of our lives.”

Kakashi shifted to stare at Yamato. 

“I mean, unless this stops. Stops working. Or something happens or—” Yamato stumbled on.

“Yeah, we’re both going to die at some point. Probably not even at the same time,” Kakashi said. His voice was flat and emotionless. He turned his gaze back towards the ceiling.

“Don’t talk like that,” Yamato said quietly, “I didn’t mean... It’s just. You know. You’re very important to me.”

Yamato’s statement somehow stuck in Kakashi’s throat more than when Yamato whispered about how in love he was during sex. So, Kakashi buried his face in Yamato’s bare chest and promptly went to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Deleted final scene:  
> They slept like that until a hard knock on the door had Yamato scrambling for his clothes and Kakashi casting an ill-advised genjutsu. Kakashi passed out naked on the floor as a result, and Yamato jumped out the window wearing only the lab coat and his underwear. Yamato nearly landed on Sai, who was innocently sketching the anatomy of the flowers growing against the hospital’s foundation.
> 
> Studious denizens of this AO3 tag have probably noticed that I love [FriendshipCastle](http://archiveofourown.org/users/FriendshipCastle/profile) very muchly, and in fact most of our in-universe fics use a lot of the same headcanons and interpretations. For example: the woman who yells at Kakashi in this fic is Rin, who [FriendshipCastle](http://archiveofourown.org/users/FriendshipCastle/profile) decided never died in the series and I'm just kinda rolling with that. Kakashi needs more friends and Rin was cool.


End file.
